On the Subject of Bomb Diffusal

Remember kids: diffuse is to, “spread or cause to spread over a wide area or among a large number of people”, and defuse is “to remove the fuse from (an explosive device) in order to prevent it from exploding.” Learn the difference. Spread the truth. And don’t make that mistake.

See Appendix A for indicator identification reference.
See Appendix B for battery identification reference.
See Appendix C for port identification reference.

Congratulations, new employee! You have successfully fulfilled all the expectations of a worker here at Steel Crate Games, and are ready to begin delivering our entertaining explosives all across the globe! Read the instructions below on how to use the Bomb Diffusal Software™.

Remember: Failure will not be tolerated here at SCG, so making mistakes may lead to your termination. Steel Crate Games is not responsible for any fatalities caused by the Bomb Diffusal Software™.

Instructions for Destination Selection

The first part of your job will be to identify the delivery number of the bomb-package you are delivering. Take the software license number and compare it to the serial number on the bomb Bomb Diffusal Software Casing™. Go through the table below with all 6 characters of both numbers. You should have 6 digits by the time you are done.

License Number
Serial Number A-E F-J K-O P-T U-Y Z/0-4 5-9
A-E 3 9 6 3 3 1 4
F-J 5 6 8 5 9 5 0
K-O 6 2 7 3 8 6 7
P-T 1 4 6 9 8 9 1
U-Y 2 3 9 7 2 7 2
Z/0-4 5 1 8 2 8 4 4
5-9 0 1 0 7 5 4 0

Put the numbers together to make a 6-digit number. This is your delivery number. Find the numerical position of the highest, non-tied digit in the number. This digit refers to one of the 6 sectors* that the bombs will be dropped into, as shown in the table below.

* Australia is not included because it doesn’t have countries. Antartica is not included because the only people who live there are scientists; and scientists are amazing at defusing bombs.

Digit Sector
1 USA #1
2 USA #2
3 Rest of America
Digit Sector
4 Eurasia
5 Africa
6 Space*

* If the delivery destination is in space, reverse the delivery number for the next step, and the next step only.

Then, take the first and second most significant digits of the delivery number and modulo both by 5. Take the 2-digit number you have now to find the area you will deliver the package to.

# USA #1 USA #2 America Eurasia Africa Space
00 Alabama Montana Canada China South Africa Mercury
01 Alaska Nebraska Mexico Germany Nigeria Venus
02 Arizona Nevada Argentina India Morocco Mars
03 Arkansas New Hampshire Brazil France Kenya Jupiter
04 California New Jersey Bolivia Indonesia Senegal Saturn
10 Colorado New Mexico Chile Croatia Ghana Uranus
11 Connecticut New York Colombia Pakistan DRC Neptune
12 Delaware North Carolina Ecuador Spain Ethiopia The Moon
13 Florida North Dakota Guyana Bangladesh Algeria Titan
14 Georgia Ohio Paraguay Italy Tanzania Io
20 Hawaii Oklahoma Peru Japan Tunisia Europa
21 Idaho Oregon Suriname UK Cameroon Triton
22 Illinois Pennsylvania Uruguay Philippines Uganda Callisto
23 Indiana Rhode Island Venezuela Switzerland Mali Ganymede
24 Iowa South Carolina Belize Vietnam Zimbabwe Rhea
30 Kansas South Dakota Costa Rica Belgium Madagascar Umbriel
31 Kentucky Tennessee El Salvador Iran Angola Oberon
32 Louisiana Texas Guatemala Greece Sudan Phoebe
33 Maine Utah Honduras South Korea Namibia The Sun
34 Maryland Vermont Nicaragua Netherlands Zambia Asteroid Belt
# USA #1 USA #2 America Eurasia Africa Space
40 Massachusetts Virginia Panama Laos Somalia Pluto
41 Michigan Washington Dominican Republic Poland Libya Kepler-1638b
42 Minnesota West Virginia Bahamas Thailand Niger The ISS
43 Mississipi Wisconsin Barbados Sweden Swaziland Kepler-1229b
44 Missouri Wyoming Haiti Russia Egypt Kepler-452b

This is your delivery destination. However, there is one last thing to do. There are also 4 bomb components: Batteries, Indicators, Ports, and Manuals. Follow the next set of instructions for what the amount of these components should be.

Instructions for the Components

Batteries

Take the number of batteries on your Bomb Diffusal Software Casing™. Add the number of battery holders. Add 1. Modulo 10. This is the number of batteries.

Indicators

If the Bomb Diffusal Software Casing™ serial number has 4 digits in it, submit the number of indicators on your Bomb Diffusal Software Casing™. If the Bomb Diffusal Software Casing™ serial number has 3 digits in it, submit double the number of lit indicators on your Bomb Diffusal Software Casing™. Otherwise, submit double the number of unlit indicators. Modulo 10 the number if it is at least 10.

Ports

The Bomb Diffusal Software™ module has 2 ports on it. Set the port name to the name of port 1, and then move it left X times, where X is the number of port 2 in the table below.

Name Port
PS/2 0
Serial 1
Parallel 2
AC Power 3
HDMI 4
VGA 5
USB 6
Name Port
RJ-45 7
DVI-D 8
Stereo RCA 9
Component Video 10
Composite Video 11
PCMCIA 12

Manuals

By default, only 1 manual needs to be delivered. However, if the location is in the USA or Eurasia, deliver 2 extra manuals for every port plate on the Bomb Diffusal Software Casing™. If the location is in Africa or another place in America, deliver 1 extra manual for every battery holder on the Bomb Diffusal Software Casing™. If the location is Mercury, Venus, or The Sun, send the maximum number of manuals, since the majority of them will burn on the way there. Finally, add an extra manual if the last digit of the Bomb Diffusal Software Casing™ serial number is even. If the required number of manuals is greater than the maximum possible, send the maximum number of manuals.

Instructions for Delivery

After the destination and the components have been properly input, you are ready to deliver the package! Press the "GO!" button.