Not Who's on First

The diagram shows three rows of two buttons with text below a display with mirrored text, and five LEDs on the right.

On the Subject of Not Who’s on First

This module is like something out of the sewer system from a glitter factory, which is funny because it’s actually “pretty crap”. I’ll keep this brief, as words only make me write this thing longer.

Press the correct button to progress the module to the next stage. Complete all five stages to disarm the module. Pressing an incorrect button will reset the module back to stage 1. Button positions are numbered in reading order.

Stage 1

Look at the word on the display, and press the button at the position where the displayed word is present in the chart below. Remember the label and the position of the button you pressed.

THERE NOTHING UR YOUR SAY	SEE HOLD ON REED YES LEAD
FIRST SAYS C THEIR U	THEY ARE RED DISPLAY BLANK OK
THEY’RE CEE YOU’RE YOU ARE LED	READ NO OKAY LEED YOU

Stage 2

Use the label from Stage 1 as columns and the displayed word as rows. For each letter of each word, use the table below to get a new letter. If one word is shorter than the other, repeat letters of the shorter word until its length matches the longer word.

Scroll right to see the full table on mobile devices.

	A	B	C	D	E	F	G	H	I	K	L	M	N	O	P	Q	R	S	T	U	V	W	X	Y	Z
A	Y	G	I	V	Z	D	U	Q	J	A	E	H	F	B	R	C	W	S	X	M	L	N	T	P	O	A
B	U	W	Z	L	Y	G	C	P	D	T	S	Q	V	N	K	O	H	M	R	E	A	J	X	F	I	B
C	A	I	S	Z	B	U	D	S	Y	K	A	N	O	J	X	R	M	Q	L	H	E	T	G	I	P	C
D	E	M	V	V	X	C	S	W	M	K	U	F	N	J	Y	P	F	X	B	A	T	I	R	G	Q	D
E	O	C	U	G	Z	A	O	W	P	C	B	L	F	T	V	U	M	Z	Y	D	J	M	X	K	I	E
F	L	G	K	Y	C	Q	B	R	A	H	O	J	K	U	P	D	P	F	Z	S	I	T	L	X	G	F
G	T	C	E	X	Q	A	L	N	D	U	F	K	Y	R	P	V	G	B	J	B	S	I	W	O	H	G
H	Y	E	O	U	J	V	M	Z	P	R	W	L	D	A	C	G	R	S	K	X	F	N	B	T	Q	H
I	C	H	F	V	O	N	T	L	R	U	J	Y	E	S	B	P	Q	A	W	M	D	Z	K	X	G	I
J	Q	G	W	I	P	X	L	D	Z	Y	V	C	F	R	T	M	E	B	K	H	S	N	U	O	A	J
K	J	Z	U	L	X	P	I	V	G	Y	T	E	F	B	O	R	C	N	S	W	K	H	M	Q	D	K
L	I	R	B	D	M	G	Y	J	T	O	Q	U	R	C	N	A	E	P	H	V	I	K	W	Z	S	L
M	E	Z	E	S	X	P	W	L	J	D	A	V	U	R	C	H	N	G	B	I	H	O	T	Q	K	M
N	O	D	X	P	U	J	K	Z	O	L	B	T	X	G	E	D	R	Q	H	V	I	C	I	W	Y	N
O	K	S	U	Q	U	T	H	O	K	J	O	L	J	T	G	Z	V	C	F	M	T	U	L	X	R	O
P	K	Y	B	B	C	T	B	C	I	M	R	Q	S	O	X	U	C	F	Z	D	F	K	T	Q	N	P
Q	S	K	U	W	L	P	E	H	S	Q	M	N	I	V	A	Y	X	G	J	W	Z	F	H	K	B	Q
R	K	D	B	E	V	U	Q	T	E	M	M	Z	H	S	I	W	Y	B	M	J	U	T	N	Z	Q	R
S	J	F	N	P	M	O	I	A	J	Y	D	M	I	Q	H	X	C	K	L	Y	O	R	W	U	G	S
T	S	G	I	Y	D	H	B	N	W	M	X	Q	U	P	Z	O	E	L	A	K	J	C	F	R	V	T
U	Y	S	P	O	A	M	L	T	N	E	R	F	V	X	B	C	D	H	Q	J	I	K	Z	W	G	U
V	J	F	X	G	R	Z	E	A	M	S	E	V	O	F	Q	D	S	N	B	W	P	I	Y	C	L	V
W	G	A	F	L	Y	D	N	G	Z	R	O	A	P	Y	U	Q	H	K	D	Y	W	N	F	V	W	W
X	N	V	M	Z	H	T	N	F	R	J	C	O	D	A	W	Y	W	J	L	H	A	B	Z	E	H	X
Y	P	D	L	Z	X	I	A	J	P	F	N	V	R	E	G	N	P	D	L	S	T	M	H	S	N	Y
Z	E	R	W	L	G	H	Q	A	S	B	T	V	X	I	C	E	C	F	V	P	A	X	E	V	W	Z
	A	B	C	D	E	F	G	H	I	K	L	M	N	O	P	Q	R	S	T	U	V	W	X	Y	Z

Then, take the sum of the alphabetic position of all the letters in the result string, modulo it by 60, add 1, and press the button at the position where the resulting number is present within the chart below. Remember the label and the position of the button you pressed, and the calculated number.

52 3 5 44 2 16 46 60 29 45	37 4 59 10 24 47 43 38 39 53
9 19 51 40 14 17 6 7 26 31	18 13 20 57 55 56 11 30 1 27
48 49 23 35 34 36 58 22 33 21	28 42 12 54 25 15 50 41 8 32

Stage 3

Use the chart from Stage 1 to determine which button you should be using to read the Venn diagram below. Remember the label and the position of both the button you pressed, and the button you used to read the diagram.

	Button is on the left column
	Label has an even number of letters
	Displayed word has an odd number of vowels
	Number calculated from stage 2 is prime

Character	Button to press
Numbers	The button at that position
L	Any button on the left column
R	Any button on the right column
T	Any button on the top row
M	Any button on the middle row
B	Any button on the bottom row
D	Any button not on the top row
U	Any button not on the bottom row
C	The reference button
O	The other button in the same row as the reference button
A	Any button

Stage 4

Start at the position used as the reference in Stage 3. Move to another button based on its label using the chart below, wrapping around the edges if necessary. Keep moving until you have visited a button twice. Use this button to read Stage 3’s Venn diagram to get the button you should press. Remember the label and the position of both the button you pressed, and the button you used to read the diagram.

	Up WHAT? PRESS YOU LEFT WAIT OKAY NO
Left WHAT UH HUH UR NEXT NOTHING FIRST YOU ARE		Right BLANK RIGHT SURE YOU’RE READY U UH UH
	Down YOUR HOLD YES MIDDLE LIKE UHHH DONE

Stage 5

For each of the remembered labels listed below, look at the table with that label, and take a digit from the position associated with the label.

The label from stage 1
The label from stage 2
The label of the correct button from stage 3
The label of the correct button from stage 4
The label of the reference button from stage 3
The label of the reference button from stage 4

READY
1	2
3	4
5	6

FIRST
4	5
6	2
1	3

NO
2	6
4	1
3	5

BLANK
3	1
5	2
4	6

NOTHING
5	4
1	2
3	6

YES
6	3
4	5
2	1

WHAT
2	3
6	1
5	4

UHHH
5	1
4	3
6	2

LEFT
2	4
6	1
5	3

RIGHT
1	6
3	4
5	2

MIDDLE
2	3
1	5
4	6

OKAY
3	6
2	5
4	1

WAIT
6	1
3	4
2	5

PRESS
4	2
5	6
1	3

YOU
3	4
6	1
2	5

YOU ARE
2	6
3	5
1	4

YOUR
4	1
5	6
3	2

YOU’RE
5	4
2	1
6	3

UR
1	3
2	4
5	6

U
6	3
4	2
1	5

UH HUH
3	2
4	1
5	6

UH UH
5	4
3	6
1	2

WHAT?
4	1
2	3
5	6

DONE
2	6
5	3
1	4

NEXT
5	2
4	3
6	1

HOLD
4	5
6	1
2	3

SURE
3	4
1	6
2	5

LIKE
1	4
6	5
3	2

Take the sum of the six digits obtained, plus the calculated number from Stage 2. Modulo the result by 60, add 1, and use Stage 2’s chart to determine the correct button to press.

	A	B	C	D	E	F	G	H	I	K	L	M	N	O	P	Q	R	S	T	U	V	W	X	Y	Z
A	Y	G	I	V	Z	D	U	Q	J	A	E	H	F	B	R	C	W	S	X	M	L	N	T	P	O	A
B	U	W	Z	L	Y	G	C	P	D	T	S	Q	V	N	K	O	H	M	R	E	A	J	X	F	I	B
C	A	I	S	Z	B	U	D	S	Y	K	A	N	O	J	X	R	M	Q	L	H	E	T	G	I	P	C
D	E	M	V	V	X	C	S	W	M	K	U	F	N	J	Y	P	F	X	B	A	T	I	R	G	Q	D
E	O	C	U	G	Z	A	O	W	P	C	B	L	F	T	V	U	M	Z	Y	D	J	M	X	K	I	E
F	L	G	K	Y	C	Q	B	R	A	H	O	J	K	U	P	D	P	F	Z	S	I	T	L	X	G	F
G	T	C	E	X	Q	A	L	N	D	U	F	K	Y	R	P	V	G	B	J	B	S	I	W	O	H	G
H	Y	E	O	U	J	V	M	Z	P	R	W	L	D	A	C	G	R	S	K	X	F	N	B	T	Q	H
I	C	H	F	V	O	N	T	L	R	U	J	Y	E	S	B	P	Q	A	W	M	D	Z	K	X	G	I
J	Q	G	W	I	P	X	L	D	Z	Y	V	C	F	R	T	M	E	B	K	H	S	N	U	O	A	J
K	J	Z	U	L	X	P	I	V	G	Y	T	E	F	B	O	R	C	N	S	W	K	H	M	Q	D	K
L	I	R	B	D	M	G	Y	J	T	O	Q	U	R	C	N	A	E	P	H	V	I	K	W	Z	S	L
M	E	Z	E	S	X	P	W	L	J	D	A	V	U	R	C	H	N	G	B	I	H	O	T	Q	K	M
N	O	D	X	P	U	J	K	Z	O	L	B	T	X	G	E	D	R	Q	H	V	I	C	I	W	Y	N
O	K	S	U	Q	U	T	H	O	K	J	O	L	J	T	G	Z	V	C	F	M	T	U	L	X	R	O
P	K	Y	B	B	C	T	B	C	I	M	R	Q	S	O	X	U	C	F	Z	D	F	K	T	Q	N	P
Q	S	K	U	W	L	P	E	H	S	Q	M	N	I	V	A	Y	X	G	J	W	Z	F	H	K	B	Q
R	K	D	B	E	V	U	Q	T	E	M	M	Z	H	S	I	W	Y	B	M	J	U	T	N	Z	Q	R
S	J	F	N	P	M	O	I	A	J	Y	D	M	I	Q	H	X	C	K	L	Y	O	R	W	U	G	S
T	S	G	I	Y	D	H	B	N	W	M	X	Q	U	P	Z	O	E	L	A	K	J	C	F	R	V	T
U	Y	S	P	O	A	M	L	T	N	E	R	F	V	X	B	C	D	H	Q	J	I	K	Z	W	G	U
V	J	F	X	G	R	Z	E	A	M	S	E	V	O	F	Q	D	S	N	B	W	P	I	Y	C	L	V
W	G	A	F	L	Y	D	N	G	Z	R	O	A	P	Y	U	Q	H	K	D	Y	W	N	F	V	W	W
X	N	V	M	Z	H	T	N	F	R	J	C	O	D	A	W	Y	W	J	L	H	A	B	Z	E	H	X
Y	P	D	L	Z	X	I	A	J	P	F	N	V	R	E	G	N	P	D	L	S	T	M	H	S	N	Y
Z	E	R	W	L	G	H	Q	A	S	B	T	V	X	I	C	E	C	F	V	P	A	X	E	V	W	Z
	A	B	C	D	E	F	G	H	I	K	L	M	N	O	P	Q	R	S	T	U	V	W	X	Y	Z

	A	B	C	D	E	F	G	H	I	K	L	M	N	O	P	Q	R	S	T	U	V	W	X	Y	Z
A	Y	G	I	V	Z	D	U	Q	J	A	E	H	F	B	R	C	W	S	X	M	L	N	T	P	O	A
B	U	W	Z	L	Y	G	C	P	D	T	S	Q	V	N	K	O	H	M	R	E	A	J	X	F	I	B
C	A	I	S	Z	B	U	D	S	Y	K	A	N	O	J	X	R	M	Q	L	H	E	T	G	I	P	C
D	E	M	V	V	X	C	S	W	M	K	U	F	N	J	Y	P	F	X	B	A	T	I	R	G	Q	D
E	O	C	U	G	Z	A	O	W	P	C	B	L	F	T	V	U	M	Z	Y	D	J	M	X	K	I	E
F	L	G	K	Y	C	Q	B	R	A	H	O	J	K	U	P	D	P	F	Z	S	I	T	L	X	G	F
G	T	C	E	X	Q	A	L	N	D	U	F	K	Y	R	P	V	G	B	J	B	S	I	W	O	H	G
H	Y	E	O	U	J	V	M	Z	P	R	W	L	D	A	C	G	R	S	K	X	F	N	B	T	Q	H
I	C	H	F	V	O	N	T	L	R	U	J	Y	E	S	B	P	Q	A	W	M	D	Z	K	X	G	I
J	Q	G	W	I	P	X	L	D	Z	Y	V	C	F	R	T	M	E	B	K	H	S	N	U	O	A	J
K	J	Z	U	L	X	P	I	V	G	Y	T	E	F	B	O	R	C	N	S	W	K	H	M	Q	D	K
L	I	R	B	D	M	G	Y	J	T	O	Q	U	R	C	N	A	E	P	H	V	I	K	W	Z	S	L
M	E	Z	E	S	X	P	W	L	J	D	A	V	U	R	C	H	N	G	B	I	H	O	T	Q	K	M
N	O	D	X	P	U	J	K	Z	O	L	B	T	X	G	E	D	R	Q	H	V	I	C	I	W	Y	N
O	K	S	U	Q	U	T	H	O	K	J	O	L	J	T	G	Z	V	C	F	M	T	U	L	X	R	O
P	K	Y	B	B	C	T	B	C	I	M	R	Q	S	O	X	U	C	F	Z	D	F	K	T	Q	N	P
Q	S	K	U	W	L	P	E	H	S	Q	M	N	I	V	A	Y	X	G	J	W	Z	F	H	K	B	Q
R	K	D	B	E	V	U	Q	T	E	M	M	Z	H	S	I	W	Y	B	M	J	U	T	N	Z	Q	R
S	J	F	N	P	M	O	I	A	J	Y	D	M	I	Q	H	X	C	K	L	Y	O	R	W	U	G	S
T	S	G	I	Y	D	H	B	N	W	M	X	Q	U	P	Z	O	E	L	A	K	J	C	F	R	V	T
U	Y	S	P	O	A	M	L	T	N	E	R	F	V	X	B	C	D	H	Q	J	I	K	Z	W	G	U
V	J	F	X	G	R	Z	E	A	M	S	E	V	O	F	Q	D	S	N	B	W	P	I	Y	C	L	V
W	G	A	F	L	Y	D	N	G	Z	R	O	A	P	Y	U	Q	H	K	D	Y	W	N	F	V	W	W
X	N	V	M	Z	H	T	N	F	R	J	C	O	D	A	W	Y	W	J	L	H	A	B	Z	E	H	X
Y	P	D	L	Z	X	I	A	J	P	F	N	V	R	E	G	N	P	D	L	S	T	M	H	S	N	Y
Z	E	R	W	L	G	H	Q	A	S	B	T	V	X	I	C	E	C	F	V	P	A	X	E	V	W	Z
	A	B	C	D	E	F	G	H	I	K	L	M	N	O	P	Q	R	S	T	U	V	W	X	Y	Z

On the Subject of Not Who’s on First

Stage 1

Stage 2

Stage 3

Stage 4

Up

Left

Right

Down

Stage 5

	A	B	C	D	E	F	G	H	I	K	L	M	N	O	P	Q	R	S	T	U	V	W	X	Y	Z
A	Y	G	I	V	Z	D	U	Q	J	A	E	H	F	B	R	C	W	S	X	M	L	N	T	P	O	A
B	U	W	Z	L	Y	G	C	P	D	T	S	Q	V	N	K	O	H	M	R	E	A	J	X	F	I	B
C	A	I	S	Z	B	U	D	S	Y	K	A	N	O	J	X	R	M	Q	L	H	E	T	G	I	P	C
D	E	M	V	V	X	C	S	W	M	K	U	F	N	J	Y	P	F	X	B	A	T	I	R	G	Q	D
E	O	C	U	G	Z	A	O	W	P	C	B	L	F	T	V	U	M	Z	Y	D	J	M	X	K	I	E
F	L	G	K	Y	C	Q	B	R	A	H	O	J	K	U	P	D	P	F	Z	S	I	T	L	X	G	F
G	T	C	E	X	Q	A	L	N	D	U	F	K	Y	R	P	V	G	B	J	B	S	I	W	O	H	G
H	Y	E	O	U	J	V	M	Z	P	R	W	L	D	A	C	G	R	S	K	X	F	N	B	T	Q	H
I	C	H	F	V	O	N	T	L	R	U	J	Y	E	S	B	P	Q	A	W	M	D	Z	K	X	G	I
J	Q	G	W	I	P	X	L	D	Z	Y	V	C	F	R	T	M	E	B	K	H	S	N	U	O	A	J
K	J	Z	U	L	X	P	I	V	G	Y	T	E	F	B	O	R	C	N	S	W	K	H	M	Q	D	K
L	I	R	B	D	M	G	Y	J	T	O	Q	U	R	C	N	A	E	P	H	V	I	K	W	Z	S	L
M	E	Z	E	S	X	P	W	L	J	D	A	V	U	R	C	H	N	G	B	I	H	O	T	Q	K	M
N	O	D	X	P	U	J	K	Z	O	L	B	T	X	G	E	D	R	Q	H	V	I	C	I	W	Y	N
O	K	S	U	Q	U	T	H	O	K	J	O	L	J	T	G	Z	V	C	F	M	T	U	L	X	R	O
P	K	Y	B	B	C	T	B	C	I	M	R	Q	S	O	X	U	C	F	Z	D	F	K	T	Q	N	P
Q	S	K	U	W	L	P	E	H	S	Q	M	N	I	V	A	Y	X	G	J	W	Z	F	H	K	B	Q
R	K	D	B	E	V	U	Q	T	E	M	M	Z	H	S	I	W	Y	B	M	J	U	T	N	Z	Q	R
S	J	F	N	P	M	O	I	A	J	Y	D	M	I	Q	H	X	C	K	L	Y	O	R	W	U	G	S
T	S	G	I	Y	D	H	B	N	W	M	X	Q	U	P	Z	O	E	L	A	K	J	C	F	R	V	T
U	Y	S	P	O	A	M	L	T	N	E	R	F	V	X	B	C	D	H	Q	J	I	K	Z	W	G	U
V	J	F	X	G	R	Z	E	A	M	S	E	V	O	F	Q	D	S	N	B	W	P	I	Y	C	L	V
W	G	A	F	L	Y	D	N	G	Z	R	O	A	P	Y	U	Q	H	K	D	Y	W	N	F	V	W	W
X	N	V	M	Z	H	T	N	F	R	J	C	O	D	A	W	Y	W	J	L	H	A	B	Z	E	H	X
Y	P	D	L	Z	X	I	A	J	P	F	N	V	R	E	G	N	P	D	L	S	T	M	H	S	N	Y
Z	E	R	W	L	G	H	Q	A	S	B	T	V	X	I	C	E	C	F	V	P	A	X	E	V	W	Z
	A	B	C	D	E	F	G	H	I	K	L	M	N	O	P	Q	R	S	T	U	V	W	X	Y	Z