On the Subject of The Console

*The screeching of the robot cat (AKA Dial-Up Internet) intensifies*

This module has no visible status light and a black screen. This module can only be interacted with via typing on your keyboard when you've selected the module.

The behavior of this module is very similar to that of a text-based adventure game. There are certain commands which can be entered to interact with elements. The syntax for this module is strict, and there's no indication when you've typed an invalid command.

The module has 1 enemy, 1 hero, 1 location each with statistics, and also 10 items and 5 weapons which each have rules which determine whether you use it or not. Note that the statistics values might not be within the normal range and values of N/A, ∞ and -∞ may appear*.

To solve the module, use all the valid items, then use the weapon with the highest score value. If an incorrect item or weapon is used, or you attempt to use a weapon too early, the module will strike.

Valid syntax

view enemyTo view all of the enemy's stats
view heroTo view all of the hero's stats
view locationTo view all of the location's stats
view itemsTo view all of the available items
view weaponsTo view all of the available weapons
use item [L]Use the item next to the letter [L] on the item page
use weapon [L]Use the weapon next to the letter [L] on the item page

*For deciding which items and weapons to use, if N/A, ∞ or -∞ are present in the stats, convert them accordingly using the table below.


Enemy Stats

INTIntelligence in Intelligence Quotient (IQ)
PWRPower in Newtons (N)
DEFDefense in Mohs hardness (Mohs)
MBLMobility in meters per second squared (m/s²)
HPHealth in Blood Alcohol Concentration (BAC)
STLStealth in Lumens (lm)

Hero Stats

HGTHeight in Meters (m)
WGTWeight in Kilograms (kg)
AGEAge in years (y)
LDNLoudness in decibels (db)
RDARadioactivity in microsieverts (mSv)
ORGOrigin in latitude and longitude (°, °)

Location Stats

TMPTemperature in Celsius (°C)
HUMHumidity in Relative Humidity (RH)
PSIPressure in kilopascals (kPa)
WNDWind in degrees and kilometers per second squared (° & km/s²)
PRCPrecipitation in centimeters (cm)
ALTAltitude in meters (m)

Item rules

You use the item if the condition next to the item is true, if it's not, do not use the item.

2 of SpadesIf location PSI is exactly 0
3D GlassesIf enemy STL is less than 100
Bald EagleIf hero ORG is located in the United States (Latitude between 25 and 45, Longitude between -19 and -37)
Bike PumpIf location PSI is less than 15
BreathalyzerIf enemy HP is at least .06
DehumidifierIf location HUM is greater than 40%
DumbbellIf hero WGT is less than 70
Dunce CapIf enemy INT is less than 70
EggalyzerIf enemy STL is between 200 and 10,000
ElmoIf enemy INT is less than 100 and greater than 50
FanIf location WND has a speed of less than 20
Geiger CounterIf hero RDA is greater than 15
Hand WarmersIf location TMP is greater than 38
MegaphoneIf hero LDN is less than 80
Power GloveIf enemy DEF is greater than 6
Quantum CrackIf hero AGE is less than 18 and the hero's WGT is more than 203
Robin's Movie TicketIf location WND direction is divisible by 45
Server MuteIf hero LDN is more than 80
SpringboardIf location ALT is less than 100
StepstoolIf hero HGT is less than 2
Stop SignIf enemy PWR is less than 500

continued on the next page...

Stun GunIf enemy MBL is greater than 6
SunglassesIf enemy STL is greater than 10,000
Time MachineIf hero AGE is less than 18 or greater than 100
UmbrellaIf location PRC is greater than 75

Weapon scores

You use the weapon in which the score next to them is the largest value, if it's not, do not use the weapon.

Anonymous MonsplodeHero ORG Latitude + Hero ORG Longitude
Argonian Dictionary10 × the number of vowels in the Location Name
BedEnemy HP × 100
BunniSum of all location stats (TMP + HUM + PSI + WND speed + WND direction + PRC + ALT)
Creep89 if Enemy STL is less than 10; 121 if STL is over 1000
Firey Fist O' Pain100 - Location TMP
Giant Enemy Bugspray69 if Enemy name contains "Spider"
Gun Sand5 × the number of letters in the Enemy Name
LaughterAdd 50 for each that is present: "stick bug lol" (enemy), "HOW" (hero), "place go brrr" (location)
Lizard67 if Hero RDA is over 99; add 54 if Location ORG Longitude is negative
Market GardenerLocation WND speed + 2
Markscript7 × the number of characters in the Hero Name
Mine TurtleSum of first five hero stats (HGT + WGT + AGE + LDN + RDA)

Continued on next page...

Mrgrt ThtchrHero AGE - 87
Paper61 if Enemy DEF is 3 or less; add 65 if Location TMP is over 10
PineappleLocation ALT - Location HUM
Rock85 if Hero WGT is less than 1; add 31 if Location ALT is negative
Sand gun25 × the number of spaces in the Enemy Name
Scissors21 if Hero LDN is 70 or higher; add 99 if Enemy HP is 0.1 or higher
Spock47 if Hero WGT is under 60; add 81 if Hero ORG Latitude negative
T-Posing GodzillaHero HGT × 10
TrumpetEnemy DEF × 25
TylerwonSum of all enemy stats (INT + PWR + DEF + MBL + HP + STL)
Water Staff ThingLocation PRC