On the Subject of Ultimate Team

I’d hate it if this module had lootboxes.

The module consists of two buttons labeled “Mission” and “Experts”, and an LED that will blink if you’re connected to the internet. In the Mission menu, there will be an 11 module bomb displayed (the “virtual bomb”), with an arrow above it. In the Experts menu, six cards will be displayed, each with a profile picture and a name. The module will always start on the Mission menu.

You want to complete a randomly generated mission, and six experts want to be in your team. Select the expert(s) most suitable for the job, then press the status light to submit your choice. Submitting a suboptimal team will result in failure, and will cause a strike.

Determining the Modules Present

Identify the modules on the virtual bomb and determine their expert difficulties according the Repository of Manual Pages.

Each module on the virtual bomb has at most two profile pictures: these represent which experts are proficient with each module. Experts cannot be proficient with modules that have an expert difficulty of very easy or trivial.

Determining Base Scores for the Experts

Convert each character in the serial number from base-36 to base-10, modulo 6, plus 1, then assign each number to each expert in reading order on the module to obtain their base scores.

Determining Final Scores

For each expert, find the modules that they are proficient with and, for each of these modules, add the number obtained from the table below to their score, using the expert difficulty of each module.

Easy	Medium	Hard	Very hard/Extreme
1	2	3	4

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Determining Final Scores (cont.)

Next, find each expert’s preferred difficulty in the table below, then add 1 to their score for each module on the virtual bomb with that expert difficulty.

Expert	Difficulty	Expert	Difficulty
1254	Easy	AlexCorruptor	Easy
Axo	Medium	BigCrunch22	Hard
Cinnabar	Medium	Crazycaleb	V. hard/Extreme
CyanixDash	Easy	Danielstigman	V. hard/Extreme
dicey	Hard	Diffuse	Medium
diskoQs	Easy	Espik	V. hard/Extreme
eXish	V. hard/Extreme	Floofy Floofles	Easy
GhostSalt	Medium	GoodHood	Easy
Gwen	Easy	JyGein	Easy
Kilo	Hard	Konoko	Medium
Kugel	Hard	Kuro	Easy
Lexa	Medium	LilyFlair	Easy
Lulu	Medium	Mage	Medium
Marksam	V. hard/Extreme	MasQuéÉlite	Medium
meh	Hard	NShep	Hard

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Determining Final Scores (cont.)

Expert	Difficulty	Expert	Difficulty
Obvious	V. hard/Extreme	Piissii	V. hard/Extreme
Quinn Wuest	Hard	redpenguin	Hard
Rosenothorns03	Medium	Scoping Landscape	V. hard/Extreme
Setra	Medium	Sierra	Easy
tandyCake	Hard	TheFullestCircle	Easy
Timwi	Hard	Varunaxx	Hard
WitekWitek	Medium	xorote	V. hard/Extreme
Zaakeil	V. hard/Extreme	Zaphod	V. hard/Extreme

Finally, follow the rule(s) listed below for each expert to find their final scores:

If any of the rules would add/subtract more than 5 from the score in total, add/subtract 5 instead.

Expert	Rule(s)
1254	If the digital root of the digits in the serial number equals either 1, 2, 5, or 4, then add 3 to their score. Otherwise, subtract 1.
AlexCorruptor	If every module on the virtual bomb contains a letter from TEPIG, add 3 to their score. Otherwise, subtract 1.
Axo	If XO is present on either the virtual bomb or the real bomb, Axo is playing Tic Tac Toe (and tying every time) and their final score is 0. Otherwise, if the serial number contains an A, an X, or an O, add 3 to their score. Otherwise, subtract 1.

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Expert	Rule(s)
BigCrunch22	Add 2 to their score for each of the following true statements: the number of battery holders on the bomb is 2, the number of indicators is 2, the number of port plates is 2. If the serial number does not contain a 2, subtract 2.
Cinnabar	If there are three or more lit indicators on the bomb, subtract 3 from their score. Otherwise, add 2 for each lit indicator on the bomb.
Crazycaleb	If Bartending is present on either the virtual bomb or the real bomb, Crazycaleb is day-drinking and doing tutorials, and their final score is 0. Otherwise, if the serial number contains a vowel (excluding Y), add 3 to their score. Otherwise, subtract 1.
CyanixDash	If there is a lit CLR indicator and there are exactly 3 batteries on the bomb, CyanixDash is the only expert you can have on your team. This overrides every other rule. Otherwise, add the number of AA batteries on the bomb to their score, and subtract the number of D batteries.
Danielstigman	If the most common expert difficulty on the virtual bomb is trivial or extreme, without ties, Dan would rather set a 727pp play instead, and their final score is 0. Otherwise, find the most common expert difficulty on the virtual bomb, using the highest difficulty in a tie, and convert it into a number (very easy = 1, very hard = 5). If the bomb has less than 5 batteries, add this value to their score, otherwise subtract it from their score.
dicey	In the Experts menu, take the position that dicey’s card is in, in reading order. If it is sixth, subtract 5 from their score, otherwise add this value.
Diffuse	If either Unfair’s Cruel Revenge or a module with the word Cipher in its name is present on either the virtual bomb or the real bomb, add 5 to their score. Otherwise, subtract 1.
diskoQs	If there are more lit than unlit indicators on the bomb, add 3 to their score. Otherwise, if there are more unlit than lit, subtract 2.
Espik	If Forget Me Now is present on either the virtual bomb or the real bomb, Espik is caught in an infinite loop saying “this isn’t correct”, and their final score is 0. Otherwise, if the bomb does not have any serial ports or parallel ports, add 3 to their score. Otherwise, subtract 1.

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Expert	Rule(s)
eXish	If the bomb was generated on a Monday, eXish is adding autosolvers to modules, and their final score is 0. Otherwise, if the last digit of the serial number is odd, add 2 to their score. Otherwise, add 1 to their score.
Floofy Floofles	If there is exactly 1 indicator on the bomb, add 3 to their score. Otherwise, if there are no indicators, subtract 2.
GhostSalt	If a needy module is present on either the virtual bomb or the real bomb, add 3 to their score. Add the number of unlit indicators and subtract the number of lit indicators to/from their score.
GoodHood	Add 1 for every module on the virtual bomb with an expert difficulty of very easy; subtract 1 for every 2 modules with an expert difficulty of very hard (eg. 3 very hard modules = -1).
Gwen	If all of the digits in the serial number are odd, add 4 to their score. Otherwise, subtract 1.
JyGein	Take the sum of the digits in the serial number, divide it by 5 (rounding down) and subtract 2. Add this value to their score.
Kilo	If the bomb was generated on a Friday or Saturday, Kilo is snacking on a TURRŌN and can’t be bothered to expert, and their final score is 0. Otherwise, if Unfair’s Revenge is present on either the virtual bomb or the real bomb, add 5. Otherwise, add 1.
Konoko	If the virtual bomb has any modules with a 6-letter name and only the letters A-Z, add 4 to their score. Otherwise, subtract 1.
Kugel	If there are six or more batteries on the bomb, subtract 3 from their score. Otherwise, add 1 for each battery on the bomb.
Kuro	If Procedural Maze is present on either the virtual bomb or the real bomb, Kuro is lost in it, and their final score is 0. Otherwise, add 1 to their score for every serial port or parallel port on the bomb, then subtract 1.
Lexa	If the bomb has an empty port plate, add 4 to their score. Otherwise, if the bomb has any port plates, subtract 2.
LilyFlair	If the virtual bomb has a needy on it, add 4 to their score. Otherwise, subtract 2.

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Expert	Rule(s)
Lulu	Add 2 to their score for every module present on either the virtual bomb or the real bomb containing either the word Simon or Tasha. Subtract 3 for every module present on either the virtual bomb or the real bomb marked as time-dependent.
Mage	If there are six or more ports on the bomb, subtract 2 from their score. Otherwise, add 1 for each port on the bomb.
Marksam	Add 1 to their score for every port on the bomb and subtract 1 for every port plate.
MasQuéÉlite	If the serial number contains an M, a Q, or an E, add 4 to their score. If the number of batteries on the bomb is less than 2, subtract 2.
meh	If the second digit of the serial number is even, add 1 to their score.
NShep	Add 1 to their score for every module on the virtual bomb beginning with R, P, S, or J; subtract 1 for every 2 modules that don’t apply (eg. 3 modules that don’t apply = -1).
Obvious	If Yoshi Egg is present on either the virtual bomb or the real bomb, Obvious does not want to expert, and their score is 0. Otherwise, add 1 for every module on the virtual bomb developed by Obvious.
Piissii	If the serial number contains at least 1 duplicate character, add 4 to their score. Otherwise, subtract 1.
Quinn Wuest	Add 1 to their score for every indicator on the bomb. If there are no indicators on the bomb, subtract 2.
redpenguin	If the virtual bomb has no full boss modules on it, add 4 to their score. Otherwise, subtract 1.
Rosenothorns03	If the virtual bomb has any modules beginning with “The”, add 3 to their score. Otherwise, subtract 1.
Scoping Landscape	If a module is present on either the real bomb or the virtual bomb with one of Cipher, Cycle or Unfair in its name, add 5 to their score.
Setra	If the real bomb has 47 or more modules, add 4 to their score. Otherwise, subtract 1.

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Expert	Rule(s)
Sierra	If a module is present on either the real bomb or the virtual bomb with one of Green, Blue, Brown, Purple, Orange, Black, or White in its name, add 5 to their score. Otherwise, if the serial number contains an S, Sierra didn’t note down the serial number because they pretended you were saying their name; subtract 1.
tandyCake	If The Pink Button is present on either the virtual bomb or the real bomb, tandyCake is in the gender-neutral bathroom; subtract the number of D batteries on the bomb from their score. Otherwise, if the first digit of the serial number is even, add 3 to their score. Otherwise, subtract 1.
TheFullestCircle	If Watch the Clock is present on either the virtual bomb or the real bomb, add 5 to their score. Otherwise, if the bomb has no batteries, add 4 to their score. Otherwise, subtract 1.
Timwi	If the serial number contains both a 4 and a 7, add 5 to their score. Otherwise, if the serial number contains a 4 or a 7, add 3. Otherwise, subtract 1.
Varunaxx	Convert the day of the week the bomb was generated on to a number (Monday = 1, Sunday = 7), then subtract 3; add this value to their score.
WitekWitek	If the serial number contains a W or an I, or the real bomb has a Simon Sends on it, add 3 to their score. Otherwise, subtract 2.
xorote	If a module developed by SpeakingEvil is present on either the real bomb or the virtual bomb, add 4 to their score. Otherwise, subtract 1.
Zaakeil	Add 5 to their score, then subtract the number of batteries and ports on the bomb.
Zaphod	If 42 is present on either the virtual bomb or the real bomb, Zaphod is re-reading The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, and their final score is 0. Otherwise, if the bomb has a Stereo RCA port, add 3 to their score. Otherwise, subtract 1.

Once you have the final scores, if there are four or more modules with an expert difficulty of very easy or trivial, select the expert with the highest score, otherwise select the two highest-scoring experts. If there is a tie for any ranking, choose the tied expert whose card comes first in reading order.