On the Subject of “The five stages of grief” but non-boss

This module is like something out of the sewer system from a glitter factory, which is funny because it’s actually “pretty crap”. I’ll keep this brief, as words only make me write this thing longer.

Stage 1

Press the button in the position of the shown table:

THERE, NOTHING, UR, YOUR, SAY	SEE, HOLD ON, REED, YES, LEAD
FIRST, SAYS, C, THEIR, U	THEY ARE, RED, DISPLAY, BLANK, OK
THEY’RE, CEE, YOU’RE, YOU ARE, LED	READ, NO, OKAY, LEED, YOU

Stage 2

Use the previous button (COL) and current display (ROW); repeat the shorter string until of equal length of the longer string. The table can be found in the original manual. Press the button with the number equal to (sum of alphabetic positions)%60+1 (prepend 0 if <10) in the table. Call this number “X”.

02, 03, 05, 16, 29, 44, 45, 46, 52, 60	04, 10, 24, 37, 38, 39, 43, 47, 53, 59
06, 07, 09, 14, 17, 19, 26, 31, 40, 51	01, 11, 13, 18, 20, 27, 30, 55, 56, 57
21, 22, 23, 33, 34, 35, 36, 48, 49, 58	08, 12, 15, 25, 28, 32, 41, 42, 50, 54

Stage 3

Reference a button using this chart (do not press it). Then use the lookup table on the next page to determine what to press.

THERE, NOTHING, UR, YOUR, SAY	SEE, HOLD ON, REED, YES, LEAD
FIRST, SAYS, C, THEIR, U	THEY ARE, RED, DISPLAY, BLANK, OK
THEY’RE, CEE, YOU’RE, YOU ARE, LED	READ, NO, OKAY, LEED, YOU

		Button on left		Button on right
		Label # of letters is even	Label # of letters is odd	Label # of letters is even	Label # of letters is odd
Display has even # vowels	X is prime	Middle-right	Row of reference button but opposite column	Either on bottom	Any button
	X is NOT prime	Top-right	Reference button	Any on right	Top-left
Display has odd # vowels	X is prime	Bottom-left	NOT on bottom	NOT on top	Bottom-right
	X is NOT prime	Middle-left	Any on middle	Any on left	Any on top

Stage 4

Start at the position of the reference in Stage 3. Find the button with the label, and then move in the direction of the cell on the left. Repeat until on a cell you’ve been on before.

Up	WHAT?, PRESS, YOU, LEFT, WAIT, OKAY, NO
Left/Right	WHAT, UH HUH, UR, NEXT, NOTHING, FIRST, YOU ARE, BLANK, RIGHT, SURE, YOU’RE, READY, U, UH UH
Down	YOUR, HOLD, YES, MIDDLE, LIKE, UHHH, DONE

Then, use the previous big table on this page to determine what to press.

Stage 5

Using all pressed buttons and reference buttons, use the original manual’s table to determine a value. The value can be determined as follows:

(P₁ + P₂ + P₃ + P₄ + R₃ + R₄ + X) % 60 + 1

If <10, prepend a zero. Use the result to determine what position to press:

02, 03, 05, 16, 29, 44, 45, 46, 52, 60	04, 10, 24, 37, 38, 39, 43, 47, 53, 59
06, 07, 09, 14, 17, 19, 26, 31, 40, 51	01, 11, 13, 18, 20, 27, 30, 55, 56, 57
21, 22, 23, 33, 34, 35, 36, 48, 49, 58	08, 12, 15, 25, 28, 32, 41, 42, 50, 54