Not Who's on First

On the Subject of “The five stages of grief” but non-boss

This module is like something out of the sewer system from a glitter factory, which is funny because it’s actually “pretty crap”. I’ll keep this brief, as words only make me write this thing longer.

NOTE: Write down positions and labels of all pressed buttons and stage 3/4’s reference buttons, along with stage 2’s X.

Stage 1

Press the button in the position of the table:

THERE, NOTHING, UR, YOUR, SAY	SEE, HOLD ON, REED, YES, LEAD
FIRST, SAYS, C, THEIR, U	THEY ARE, RED, DISPLAY, BLANK, OK
THEY’RE, CEE, YOU’RE, YOU ARE, LED	READ, NO, OKAY, LEED, YOU

Stage 2

Use the previous pressed button (COL) and current display (ROW); repeat the shorter label until it’s of equal length of the longer label. For each letter in both labels, index them into the table on next page to retrieve letters of the resulting string.
Calculate X, which is equal to (sum of alphabetic positions of resulting string)%60+1. Use X to determine what position to press (prepend 0 if <10):

02, 03, 05, 16, 29, 44, 45, 46, 52, 60	04, 10, 24, 37, 38, 39, 43, 47, 53, 59
06, 07, 09, 14, 17, 19, 26, 31, 40, 51	01, 11, 13, 18, 20, 27, 30, 55, 56, 57
21, 22, 23, 33, 34, 35, 36, 48, 49, 58	08, 12, 15, 25, 28, 32, 41, 42, 50, 54

	A	B	C	D	E	F	G	H	I	K	L	M	N	O	P	Q	R	S	T	U	V	W	X	Y	Z
A	Y	G	I	V	Z	D	U	Q	J	A	E	H	F	B	R	C	W	S	X	M	L	N	T	P	O	A
B	U	W	Z	L	Y	G	C	P	D	T	S	Q	V	N	K	O	H	M	R	E	A	J	X	F	I	B
C	A	I	S	Z	B	U	D	S	Y	K	A	N	O	J	X	R	M	Q	L	H	E	T	G	I	P	C
D	E	M	V	V	X	C	S	W	M	K	U	F	N	J	Y	P	F	X	B	A	T	I	R	G	Q	D
E	O	C	U	G	Z	A	O	W	P	C	B	L	F	T	V	U	M	Z	Y	D	J	M	X	K	I	E
F	L	G	K	Y	C	Q	B	R	A	H	O	J	K	U	P	D	P	F	Z	S	I	T	L	X	G	F
G	T	C	E	X	Q	A	L	N	D	U	F	K	Y	R	P	V	G	B	J	B	S	I	W	O	H	G
H	Y	E	O	U	J	V	M	Z	P	R	W	L	D	A	C	G	R	S	K	X	F	N	B	T	Q	H
I	C	H	F	V	O	N	T	L	R	U	J	Y	E	S	B	P	Q	A	W	M	D	Z	K	X	G	I
J	Q	G	W	I	P	X	L	D	Z	Y	V	C	F	R	T	M	E	B	K	H	S	N	U	O	A	J
K	J	Z	U	L	X	P	I	V	G	Y	T	E	F	B	O	R	C	N	S	W	K	H	M	Q	D	K
L	I	R	B	D	M	G	Y	J	T	O	Q	U	R	C	N	A	E	P	H	V	I	K	W	Z	S	L
M	E	Z	E	S	X	P	W	L	J	D	A	V	U	R	C	H	N	G	B	I	H	O	T	Q	K	M
N	O	D	X	P	U	J	K	Z	O	L	B	T	X	G	E	D	R	Q	H	V	I	C	I	W	Y	N
O	K	S	U	Q	U	T	H	O	K	J	O	L	J	T	G	Z	V	C	F	M	T	U	L	X	R	O
P	K	Y	B	B	C	T	B	C	I	M	R	Q	S	O	X	U	C	F	Z	D	F	K	T	Q	N	P
Q	S	K	U	W	L	P	E	H	S	Q	M	N	I	V	A	Y	X	G	J	W	Z	F	H	K	B	Q
R	K	D	B	E	V	U	Q	T	E	M	M	Z	H	S	I	W	Y	B	M	J	U	T	N	Z	Q	R
S	J	F	N	P	M	O	I	A	J	Y	D	M	I	Q	H	X	C	K	L	Y	O	R	W	U	G	S
T	S	G	I	Y	D	H	B	N	W	M	X	Q	U	P	Z	O	E	L	A	K	J	C	F	R	V	T
U	Y	S	P	O	A	M	L	T	N	E	R	F	V	X	B	C	D	H	Q	J	I	K	Z	W	G	U
V	J	F	X	G	R	Z	E	A	M	S	E	V	O	F	Q	D	S	N	B	W	P	I	Y	C	L	V
W	G	A	F	L	Y	D	N	G	Z	R	O	A	P	Y	U	Q	H	K	D	Y	W	N	F	V	W	W
X	N	V	M	Z	H	T	N	F	R	J	C	O	D	A	W	Y	W	J	L	H	A	B	Z	E	H	X
Y	P	D	L	Z	X	I	A	J	P	F	N	V	R	E	G	N	P	D	L	S	T	M	H	S	N	Y
Z	E	R	W	L	G	H	Q	A	S	B	T	V	X	I	C	E	C	F	V	P	A	X	E	V	W	Z
	A	B	C	D	E	F	G	H	I	K	L	M	N	O	P	Q	R	S	T	U	V	W	X	Y	Z

Stage 3

Reference a button using this small chart (do not press it). Then use the big lookup table to determine what to press.

THERE, NOTHING, UR, YOUR, SAY	SEE, HOLD ON, REED, YES, LEAD
FIRST, SAYS, C, THEIR, U	THEY ARE, RED, DISPLAY, BLANK, OK
THEY’RE, CEE, YOU’RE, YOU ARE, LED	READ, NO, OKAY, LEED, YOU

		Button on left		Button on right
		Label # of letters is even	Label # of letters is odd	Label # of letters is even	Label # of letters is odd
Display has even # vowels*	X is prime	Middle-right	Left/Right of Reference button	Any on bottom row	Any button
Display has even # vowels*	X is NOT prime	Top-right	Reference button	Any on right column	Top-left
Display has odd # vowels*	X is prime	Bottom-left	Any NOT on bottom row	Any NOT on top row	Bottom-right
Display has odd # vowels*	X is NOT prime	Middle-left	Any on middle row	Any on left column	Any on top row

* Vowels are AEIOU. Y does not count as a vowel.

Stage 4

Start at the position of the reference in Stage 3. Find the button with the label, and then move in the direction of the cell on the left. Repeat until you’re on a button you’ve been on before. This is stage 4’s reference button.

Up	WHAT?, PRESS, YOU, LEFT, WAIT, OKAY, NO
Left/Right	WHAT, UH HUH, UR, NEXT, NOTHING, FIRST, YOU ARE, BLANK, RIGHT, SURE, YOU’RE, READY, U, UH UH
Down	YOUR, HOLD, YES, MIDDLE, LIKE, UHHH, DONE

Then, use the previous big table on this page to determine what to press.

Stage 5

Using all pressed buttons and reference buttons, use the table to determine their values. The result can be determined as follows:

(P₁ + P₂ + P₃ + P₄ + R₃ + R₄ + X) % 60 + 1

READY
1	2
3	4
5	6

FIRST
4	5
6	2
1	3

NO
2	6
4	1
3	5

BLANK
3	1
5	2
4	6

NOTHING
5	4
1	2
3	6

YES
6	3
4	5
2	1

WHAT
2	3
6	1
5	4

UHHH
5	1
4	3
6	2

LEFT
2	4
6	1
5	3

RIGHT
1	6
3	4
5	2

MIDDLE
2	3
1	5
4	6

OKAY
3	6
2	5
4	1

WAIT
6	1
3	4
2	5

PRESS
4	2
5	6
1	3

YOU
3	4
6	1
2	5

YOU ARE
2	6
3	5
1	4

YOUR
4	1
5	6
3	2

YOU’RE
5	4
2	1
6	3

UR
1	3
2	4
5	6

U
6	3
4	2
1	5

UH HUH
3	2
4	1
5	6

UH UH
5	4
3	6
1	2

WHAT?
4	1
2	3
5	6

DONE
2	6
5	3
1	4

NEXT
5	2
4	3
6	1

HOLD
4	5
6	1
2	3

SURE
3	4
1	6
2	5

LIKE
1	4
6	5
3	2

If <10, prepend a zero. Use the result to determine what position to press:

02, 03, 05, 16, 29, 44, 45, 46, 52, 60	04, 10, 24, 37, 38, 39, 43, 47, 53, 59
06, 07, 09, 14, 17, 19, 26, 31, 40, 51	01, 11, 13, 18, 20, 27, 30, 55, 56, 57
21, 22, 23, 33, 34, 35, 36, 48, 49, 58	08, 12, 15, 25, 28, 32, 41, 42, 50, 54

	A	B	C	D	E	F	G	H	I	K	L	M	N	O	P	Q	R	S	T	U	V	W	X	Y	Z
A	Y	G	I	V	Z	D	U	Q	J	A	E	H	F	B	R	C	W	S	X	M	L	N	T	P	O	A
B	U	W	Z	L	Y	G	C	P	D	T	S	Q	V	N	K	O	H	M	R	E	A	J	X	F	I	B
C	A	I	S	Z	B	U	D	S	Y	K	A	N	O	J	X	R	M	Q	L	H	E	T	G	I	P	C
D	E	M	V	V	X	C	S	W	M	K	U	F	N	J	Y	P	F	X	B	A	T	I	R	G	Q	D
E	O	C	U	G	Z	A	O	W	P	C	B	L	F	T	V	U	M	Z	Y	D	J	M	X	K	I	E
F	L	G	K	Y	C	Q	B	R	A	H	O	J	K	U	P	D	P	F	Z	S	I	T	L	X	G	F
G	T	C	E	X	Q	A	L	N	D	U	F	K	Y	R	P	V	G	B	J	B	S	I	W	O	H	G
H	Y	E	O	U	J	V	M	Z	P	R	W	L	D	A	C	G	R	S	K	X	F	N	B	T	Q	H
I	C	H	F	V	O	N	T	L	R	U	J	Y	E	S	B	P	Q	A	W	M	D	Z	K	X	G	I
J	Q	G	W	I	P	X	L	D	Z	Y	V	C	F	R	T	M	E	B	K	H	S	N	U	O	A	J
K	J	Z	U	L	X	P	I	V	G	Y	T	E	F	B	O	R	C	N	S	W	K	H	M	Q	D	K
L	I	R	B	D	M	G	Y	J	T	O	Q	U	R	C	N	A	E	P	H	V	I	K	W	Z	S	L
M	E	Z	E	S	X	P	W	L	J	D	A	V	U	R	C	H	N	G	B	I	H	O	T	Q	K	M
N	O	D	X	P	U	J	K	Z	O	L	B	T	X	G	E	D	R	Q	H	V	I	C	I	W	Y	N
O	K	S	U	Q	U	T	H	O	K	J	O	L	J	T	G	Z	V	C	F	M	T	U	L	X	R	O
P	K	Y	B	B	C	T	B	C	I	M	R	Q	S	O	X	U	C	F	Z	D	F	K	T	Q	N	P
Q	S	K	U	W	L	P	E	H	S	Q	M	N	I	V	A	Y	X	G	J	W	Z	F	H	K	B	Q
R	K	D	B	E	V	U	Q	T	E	M	M	Z	H	S	I	W	Y	B	M	J	U	T	N	Z	Q	R
S	J	F	N	P	M	O	I	A	J	Y	D	M	I	Q	H	X	C	K	L	Y	O	R	W	U	G	S
T	S	G	I	Y	D	H	B	N	W	M	X	Q	U	P	Z	O	E	L	A	K	J	C	F	R	V	T
U	Y	S	P	O	A	M	L	T	N	E	R	F	V	X	B	C	D	H	Q	J	I	K	Z	W	G	U
V	J	F	X	G	R	Z	E	A	M	S	E	V	O	F	Q	D	S	N	B	W	P	I	Y	C	L	V
W	G	A	F	L	Y	D	N	G	Z	R	O	A	P	Y	U	Q	H	K	D	Y	W	N	F	V	W	W
X	N	V	M	Z	H	T	N	F	R	J	C	O	D	A	W	Y	W	J	L	H	A	B	Z	E	H	X
Y	P	D	L	Z	X	I	A	J	P	F	N	V	R	E	G	N	P	D	L	S	T	M	H	S	N	Y
Z	E	R	W	L	G	H	Q	A	S	B	T	V	X	I	C	E	C	F	V	P	A	X	E	V	W	Z
	A	B	C	D	E	F	G	H	I	K	L	M	N	O	P	Q	R	S	T	U	V	W	X	Y	Z

	A	B	C	D	E	F	G	H	I	K	L	M	N	O	P	Q	R	S	T	U	V	W	X	Y	Z
A	Y	G	I	V	Z	D	U	Q	J	A	E	H	F	B	R	C	W	S	X	M	L	N	T	P	O	A
B	U	W	Z	L	Y	G	C	P	D	T	S	Q	V	N	K	O	H	M	R	E	A	J	X	F	I	B
C	A	I	S	Z	B	U	D	S	Y	K	A	N	O	J	X	R	M	Q	L	H	E	T	G	I	P	C
D	E	M	V	V	X	C	S	W	M	K	U	F	N	J	Y	P	F	X	B	A	T	I	R	G	Q	D
E	O	C	U	G	Z	A	O	W	P	C	B	L	F	T	V	U	M	Z	Y	D	J	M	X	K	I	E
F	L	G	K	Y	C	Q	B	R	A	H	O	J	K	U	P	D	P	F	Z	S	I	T	L	X	G	F
G	T	C	E	X	Q	A	L	N	D	U	F	K	Y	R	P	V	G	B	J	B	S	I	W	O	H	G
H	Y	E	O	U	J	V	M	Z	P	R	W	L	D	A	C	G	R	S	K	X	F	N	B	T	Q	H
I	C	H	F	V	O	N	T	L	R	U	J	Y	E	S	B	P	Q	A	W	M	D	Z	K	X	G	I
J	Q	G	W	I	P	X	L	D	Z	Y	V	C	F	R	T	M	E	B	K	H	S	N	U	O	A	J
K	J	Z	U	L	X	P	I	V	G	Y	T	E	F	B	O	R	C	N	S	W	K	H	M	Q	D	K
L	I	R	B	D	M	G	Y	J	T	O	Q	U	R	C	N	A	E	P	H	V	I	K	W	Z	S	L
M	E	Z	E	S	X	P	W	L	J	D	A	V	U	R	C	H	N	G	B	I	H	O	T	Q	K	M
N	O	D	X	P	U	J	K	Z	O	L	B	T	X	G	E	D	R	Q	H	V	I	C	I	W	Y	N
O	K	S	U	Q	U	T	H	O	K	J	O	L	J	T	G	Z	V	C	F	M	T	U	L	X	R	O
P	K	Y	B	B	C	T	B	C	I	M	R	Q	S	O	X	U	C	F	Z	D	F	K	T	Q	N	P
Q	S	K	U	W	L	P	E	H	S	Q	M	N	I	V	A	Y	X	G	J	W	Z	F	H	K	B	Q
R	K	D	B	E	V	U	Q	T	E	M	M	Z	H	S	I	W	Y	B	M	J	U	T	N	Z	Q	R
S	J	F	N	P	M	O	I	A	J	Y	D	M	I	Q	H	X	C	K	L	Y	O	R	W	U	G	S
T	S	G	I	Y	D	H	B	N	W	M	X	Q	U	P	Z	O	E	L	A	K	J	C	F	R	V	T
U	Y	S	P	O	A	M	L	T	N	E	R	F	V	X	B	C	D	H	Q	J	I	K	Z	W	G	U
V	J	F	X	G	R	Z	E	A	M	S	E	V	O	F	Q	D	S	N	B	W	P	I	Y	C	L	V
W	G	A	F	L	Y	D	N	G	Z	R	O	A	P	Y	U	Q	H	K	D	Y	W	N	F	V	W	W
X	N	V	M	Z	H	T	N	F	R	J	C	O	D	A	W	Y	W	J	L	H	A	B	Z	E	H	X
Y	P	D	L	Z	X	I	A	J	P	F	N	V	R	E	G	N	P	D	L	S	T	M	H	S	N	Y
Z	E	R	W	L	G	H	Q	A	S	B	T	V	X	I	C	E	C	F	V	P	A	X	E	V	W	Z
	A	B	C	D	E	F	G	H	I	K	L	M	N	O	P	Q	R	S	T	U	V	W	X	Y	Z

	A	B	C	D	E	F	G	H	I	K	L	M	N	O	P	Q	R	S	T	U	V	W	X	Y	Z
A	Y	G	I	V	Z	D	U	Q	J	A	E	H	F	B	R	C	W	S	X	M	L	N	T	P	O	A
B	U	W	Z	L	Y	G	C	P	D	T	S	Q	V	N	K	O	H	M	R	E	A	J	X	F	I	B
C	A	I	S	Z	B	U	D	S	Y	K	A	N	O	J	X	R	M	Q	L	H	E	T	G	I	P	C
D	E	M	V	V	X	C	S	W	M	K	U	F	N	J	Y	P	F	X	B	A	T	I	R	G	Q	D
E	O	C	U	G	Z	A	O	W	P	C	B	L	F	T	V	U	M	Z	Y	D	J	M	X	K	I	E
F	L	G	K	Y	C	Q	B	R	A	H	O	J	K	U	P	D	P	F	Z	S	I	T	L	X	G	F
G	T	C	E	X	Q	A	L	N	D	U	F	K	Y	R	P	V	G	B	J	B	S	I	W	O	H	G
H	Y	E	O	U	J	V	M	Z	P	R	W	L	D	A	C	G	R	S	K	X	F	N	B	T	Q	H
I	C	H	F	V	O	N	T	L	R	U	J	Y	E	S	B	P	Q	A	W	M	D	Z	K	X	G	I
J	Q	G	W	I	P	X	L	D	Z	Y	V	C	F	R	T	M	E	B	K	H	S	N	U	O	A	J
K	J	Z	U	L	X	P	I	V	G	Y	T	E	F	B	O	R	C	N	S	W	K	H	M	Q	D	K
L	I	R	B	D	M	G	Y	J	T	O	Q	U	R	C	N	A	E	P	H	V	I	K	W	Z	S	L
M	E	Z	E	S	X	P	W	L	J	D	A	V	U	R	C	H	N	G	B	I	H	O	T	Q	K	M
N	O	D	X	P	U	J	K	Z	O	L	B	T	X	G	E	D	R	Q	H	V	I	C	I	W	Y	N
O	K	S	U	Q	U	T	H	O	K	J	O	L	J	T	G	Z	V	C	F	M	T	U	L	X	R	O
P	K	Y	B	B	C	T	B	C	I	M	R	Q	S	O	X	U	C	F	Z	D	F	K	T	Q	N	P
Q	S	K	U	W	L	P	E	H	S	Q	M	N	I	V	A	Y	X	G	J	W	Z	F	H	K	B	Q
R	K	D	B	E	V	U	Q	T	E	M	M	Z	H	S	I	W	Y	B	M	J	U	T	N	Z	Q	R
S	J	F	N	P	M	O	I	A	J	Y	D	M	I	Q	H	X	C	K	L	Y	O	R	W	U	G	S
T	S	G	I	Y	D	H	B	N	W	M	X	Q	U	P	Z	O	E	L	A	K	J	C	F	R	V	T
U	Y	S	P	O	A	M	L	T	N	E	R	F	V	X	B	C	D	H	Q	J	I	K	Z	W	G	U
V	J	F	X	G	R	Z	E	A	M	S	E	V	O	F	Q	D	S	N	B	W	P	I	Y	C	L	V
W	G	A	F	L	Y	D	N	G	Z	R	O	A	P	Y	U	Q	H	K	D	Y	W	N	F	V	W	W
X	N	V	M	Z	H	T	N	F	R	J	C	O	D	A	W	Y	W	J	L	H	A	B	Z	E	H	X
Y	P	D	L	Z	X	I	A	J	P	F	N	V	R	E	G	N	P	D	L	S	T	M	H	S	N	Y
Z	E	R	W	L	G	H	Q	A	S	B	T	V	X	I	C	E	C	F	V	P	A	X	E	V	W	Z
	A	B	C	D	E	F	G	H	I	K	L	M	N	O	P	Q	R	S	T	U	V	W	X	Y	Z